This is my Bottom

I’m tired, I’m fed up and I apparently have now been giving a second chance by someone (God or whoever you believe in) due to events from yesterday. I did a whole sober  January and felt great and fell off in February and then back had stretches of a few days but I always ended up back down again…  I kept saying after the next event I will get back on the wagon and then after a day or so I’d go back off again.  4 days was a long stretch but nothing really stuck.

We went out of town for a  couples trip and got back home Wednesday night.  Yep, you guessed it, it was my end moment. I wasn’t going to drink once I get home. We even stopped at the beer store and I didn’t buy anything, wouldn’t even look at the wine, said Nope I’m over it. I’m good.
Fast foward a few hours, got home and realized i didn’t need to worry as I still had wine at the house.  I drank approximately a whole bottle (it’s in a box because than you don’t have the annoying clanking of wine bottles in the recycle bin and you still have 4 bottles of wine handy) or a bit more and then passed out/went to sleep as usual.  Normal night you say, well about 4am i woke up gasping for air and choking and coughing.  Made it to the bathroom where I begin to cough violently.  What came up you ask?  Bile, stomach bile, from my lungs.  Yep I apparently vomited in my sleep and breathed it in… I could have F’ING died and not just died but died over something stupid and left my husband, my kids, my family, my life behind all for wine!  ALCOHOL!
I can’t do this anymore. I can’t drink period.  I am not doing a 30 day or 100 day or any number of days. I’m doing none. I cannot risk it.
I spent 8 hours in the emergency room because apparently within hours of this event (something about stomach acid in your lungs) caused pneumonia in all three lobes in my right lung. Multiple IV’s, antibiotics, steriods, breathing treatments, xrays, CT scans and on and on…. They debated admitting me and couldn’t for the life of me figure out how I got vomit in my lungs. I didn’t volunteer up the passing out part but my husband was there and he knew what that meant.  He said babe I will support you whatever you need to do.
We already have another even in the next few weeks where everyone there will be drinking. I’ve already backed out of that, cancelled my wine club and paid the cancellation fee, updated my sober apps, started rereading your book and few others.  I’m reading blogs and trying not to beat myself up for getting to this point. This has to be my turning moment.
Today I am seeing my bruise as a reminder on why this is ending.  Day of last drink, 4/19/17.  This is my moment to choose to live a real SOBER life.
Advertisements

25 thoughts on “This is my Bottom

  1. Oh, sister I will keep you in my heart and prayers. Try to see this through an “observer’s eyes”- without the whip lashing- that only deepens our crap. See it for what it is… and what is being asked of you. Try to see it for the changes you need to make in your life to serve your precious self and your family to the highest good. Thank God for the opportunity, grace and mercy. Lots of love to you.

    Liked by 3 people

      • Thanks Elizabeth! You are right, it’s hard to do it without thinking that i’m a terrible person for doing this to myself. I went to lunch today with a girl friend and she was good as the “observer” , she told me to see it what it was, God sending me a helicopter after he sent me a few pebbles etc to save me from the flood. We have a plan and she was instrumental in letting me get it all out and not just keeping it pent up. I feel so much better just knowing I’m not alone in this between you all and her and my family. At some point, when I feel a bit stronger I will talk with others in my family as well but for now I feel like at least letting it out to one means I’m not hiding this dirty little secret. So thankful for this community.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I used to love the box wine til I had to hate all wines and their obnoxious hold over me. Glad you got medical care. I hope you have a full and speedy recovery from that shit and that you have easy, sober sailing as much as possible. Hang in there. Q

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thanks Quitter. It’s funny, the first sip is always god awful as to why am I doing this and then the rest of the box would go down so easy. I’m to the point now where I just can’t have the first sip, ever! No wine, no beer, no nothing at this point. I don’t think moderation is in my future. I appreciate all the support of everyone out there!

      Like

  3. I once did the inhaling vomit in bed thing, fortunately I also wasn’t too drunk to wake up and cough it up. It’s terrifying when this sort of thing happens. I hope your lungs recover quickly and you start feeling much better. It’s ok to take the time out for you at the moment. Look after yourself and give yourself the best chance of success. Plenty of supportive folks here, keep sharing, take care 🙂

    Liked by 3 people

    • Thank you. I can’t believe I could’ve killed myself over this, it’s still hard to fathom how lucky I am to wake up. One breath away…. Thanks for being here. It’s good to know that it has happened to others and they have pulled themselves out of it.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Oh honey. This is the best thing that could have happened to you. I know it feels shit now but you will see it saves your life. I needed a shock to stop me drinking. I fell last year and almost cracked my skull open, I was out cold. The next morning I was so full of bruises due to all the falling I looked like I was beaten up. I needed the shock of realising that this addiction was going to kill me to help me stop. I lapsed twice after that but every time I drank I hated it and knew it was over. This moment, and this bruise is a gift, a reminder that this addiction is ruthless and will kill you one way or the other. xxx

    Liked by 5 people

    • I hope so… I prayed and prayed (and I’m not a big fan of that) and said I get it universe. You’re giving me a sign, this is my turnaround moment. I’ve got to learn to find peace within myself to make the rest of this life calmer.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Your higher self has already made the decision to stop drinking, and nothing will stop you from achieving that unless you forever work against your own best interest. Your body is speaking to you, loud and clear. Sometimes the best thing that can happen is to literally hit the wall. The universe just gave you a very firm answer. No. I am so thankful you are listening!

    Liked by 3 people

    • Thanks. I had a long conversation this morning with a good friend that has been worried about me. We both tend to do too much (food, spending, alcohol (me only), etc) and she has asked me to go to church and AA with her to see if we can’t figure out why we can’t take care of ourselves better. It felt good to share my demons with someone else without fear of judging. I definitely feel like this is that moment where the universe is telling me to GET IT TOGETHER!

      Liked by 3 people

  6. First of all, I am SO glad you are alive and able to share your story. What a powerful moment to have experienced here. You are strong and you will find a beautiful freedom in sobriety. I am rooting for you and I know you can do this. You are not alone. ❤️

    Liked by 2 people

  7. Take it day by day. I found it hard to grasp that I could NEVER drink again so I simply took it day by day. My husband and kids gave me an ultimatum, them or the drink. We all have our rock bottom, ultimatum or scare. Just keep remembering what could have happened or what can and will happen if you pick up that glass or even have a sip. Hence my page, Never ever forget where you were.
    I’m glad you are still here and have another chance to be sober.
    It is so worth it!

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s