I’m tired, I’m fed up and I apparently have now been giving a second chance by someone (God or whoever you believe in) due to events from yesterday. I did a whole sober January and felt great and fell off in February and then back had stretches of a few days but I always ended up back down again… I kept saying after the next event I will get back on the wagon and then after a day or so I’d go back off again. 4 days was a long stretch but nothing really stuck.
We went out of town for a couples trip and got back home Wednesday night. Yep, you guessed it, it was my end moment. I wasn’t going to drink once I get home. We even stopped at the beer store and I didn’t buy anything, wouldn’t even look at the wine, said Nope I’m over it. I’m good.
Fast foward a few hours, got home and realized i didn’t need to worry as I still had wine at the house. I drank approximately a whole bottle (it’s in a box because than you don’t have the annoying clanking of wine bottles in the recycle bin and you still have 4 bottles of wine handy) or a bit more and then passed out/went to sleep as usual. Normal night you say, well about 4am i woke up gasping for air and choking and coughing. Made it to the bathroom where I begin to cough violently. What came up you ask? Bile, stomach bile, from my lungs. Yep I apparently vomited in my sleep and breathed it in… I could have F’ING died and not just died but died over something stupid and left my husband, my kids, my family, my life behind all for wine! ALCOHOL!
I can’t do this anymore. I can’t drink period. I am not doing a 30 day or 100 day or any number of days. I’m doing none. I cannot risk it.
I spent 8 hours in the emergency room because apparently within hours of this event (something about stomach acid in your lungs) caused pneumonia in all three lobes in my right lung. Multiple IV’s, antibiotics, steriods, breathing treatments, xrays, CT scans and on and on…. They debated admitting me and couldn’t for the life of me figure out how I got vomit in my lungs. I didn’t volunteer up the passing out part but my husband was there and he knew what that meant. He said babe I will support you whatever you need to do.
We already have another even in the next few weeks where everyone there will be drinking. I’ve already backed out of that, cancelled my wine club and paid the cancellation fee, updated my sober apps, started rereading your book and few others. I’m reading blogs and trying not to beat myself up for getting to this point. This has to be my turning moment.
Today I am seeing my bruise as a reminder on why this is ending. Day of last drink, 4/19/17. This is my moment to choose to live a real SOBER life.